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Old Bloke Whinges About The Weather or What Happened to My Offshores?

Old Bloke Whinges About The Weather or What Happened to My Offshores?


Don’t know why it is so hard for people to get the climate change thing. I mean just close you eyes and think about how much industry, how many vehicles, how much life stock, how many of us there are, how we are reshaping just about every aspect of this planet and how many of those activities generate carbon. And how all these goings on is only about 200 years old and then think what another 200 years might look like. All of the stuff going on, all those emissions going into the atmosphere, the only one we have at this one big, sealed environment called Earth. Now after imagining all those millions of things and activities for the past 200 years open your eyes and tell me how we could not be having an effect.

So I believe in global warming thing 100%. And I don’t like it. But for the record while I believe that mankind and our activities on the planet are having an effect on this planet’s weather I am not that completely pessimistic about the whole thing.

This is because I am also a believer in mankind’s ability to use science to solve problems and enhance our future just as it has done for the last few hundreds of years. Science caused it and better science will fix it.

And I think we can and will fix the whole global warming issue once we get the politicians to stop fucking around and also recognise that there vested interests who aren’t that interested in upsetting the status quo.

So will we have the will? I cannot yet be sure but I do think we have the means.

Blaze for example has been experimenting with alternate energy sources. I was in his kitchen looking for something to eat when he brought this up. We had been in his lounge room watching the leaders of our political parties struggle with the old age conflict between doing the right thing and sheer self-interest on the TV.

Energy policy sure seems to bring the politician out of our politicians.

I reminded Blaze that he has a long interest in this science because he used to light his farts down the beach when we were about 13. Blaze said and I quote, “That pioneering work done back then is what is informing my research now.”

I am not sure what that means but the fact that his fridge was filled with English Beers, take away curries and opened baked bean tins is worrying me. That and the fact that even with all the windows open and a ridiculously unseasonal NE breeze blowing the atmosphere in the house seemed heavy.  My early hay fever attack seemed to be less of a burden all of a sudden.

I don’t like global warming because as well as all the other reasons, it is messing with the seasons and I like order in my weather.

You see I get grumpy old man cranky if the weather is weird. I want winter to be cold and summer to be hot and I want whatever the regional personalities of the weather wherever you are to be out in force.

Let me give you a well-known example, a city I personally love for its weather – Melbourne Australia.

Melbourne is forever damned as being unpredictable with four seasons in one day but that is only partly true.  Autumn runs to a plan. It gets cool and Bells is on so expect swell.

Winters are delightfully miserable and predictable with cold winds and a low cloud cover that always looks like it is going to piss down but only drizzles endlessly with the occasional outburst of hail or even sleet. Occasionally a weak sun emerges around Noon to wake the resident artists, writers and musos before quickly disappearing again wraith like and defeated.

The four seasons in one day stereotype is more likely in spring and especially summer when cold fronts sweep in from the south and west like clean up sets. It is true in November, December and January it can be upwards of 38 degrees with a hot, dry, dust laden offshore that turns your snot to concrete and literally breaks nearby farmers’ hearts. Then the front will come and in one hour it will be 17 degrees with a damp chill that reminds you in a very physically uncomfortable way that half comatose from the heat, you left your hoodie on the tram.

But that’s what I want because that is how it should be. I was delighted that it drizzled all the time I was in Ireland in March; it snowed so much in Niseko in February that if you stacked it was difficult to find the bottom to actually get up and out of the powder. The Maldives in July was hot and dry and offshore and perfect except for crazy boatloads of Brazilians.

Here in SE QLD I was lucky enough to get some waves mid week on the Sunny Coast this week and in some ways everything was kind of normal but in other ways the weather was bizarre. Winter in South East Queensland should be and used to be three months of still, clear cool to cold nights with days of brilliant sunshine. There would be lots of offshores, often all day offshores and if it were not offshore the wind would always be out of the south. The surf would be reliably unreliable, highly dependent on the strength and position of the same fronts and Tasman lows that bought the strong offshores.

It could and does get big enough for the points but most times it is under head high, often waist high and yes it can get flat for a week or so.  But if there was swell you would be guaranteed all day, uncrowded offshore peaks along every beach in brilliant sunshine and crystal clear water. But this winter not only has it been very inconsistent the offshores have not come as hard as usual or lasted during the day so there have been very few all day offshore days.

Worse than that come mid morning an east or even a northeast breeze has sprung up with daytime temperatures very high. Now on Wednesday there were some shapely peaks at a well known swell magnet and shaper for winter winds and southerly swells but by Thursday the south swell was dying but worse it was running with a NE sweep and windswell from the previous arvo. Still OK but you could see the writing on the wall.

By lunchtime on Friday the ocean looked like it was high summer with one foot of wind blown NE dribble and temperatures around 28. You could swim in boardies and bikinis and people were. 

I want and indeed expect NE wind slop, crowded beaches, sunburn and bluebottles in November and December but not mid winter.

I even saw Gatesy down near the flags. He was sprawled on his back in speedos and sunnies on a large towel the size of a boardroom table. The logo of a multinational oil company was emblazoned across it in letters a foot high and his PA was periodically squirting suntan oil on his chest and stomach when the timer on his iPhone buzzed. The oil smelt strangely like the leather interior of a new car and I was going to go and say hello but he was surrounded by a lot of cosmetic surgery devotees that did not look like Paris emission agreement supporters.

Today as I am writing this, things at last seem to be snapping back to normal with strong westerlies blowing across the lake that is currently the Pacific Ocean. And swell is on its way thanks to the first Tasman Sea Low action we have seen for weeks. But it’s too little, too late for me.

So please let’s all take action against climate change before this whole thing gets quite out of hand and Blaze perfects his technology.




Long Hot Summer – The Style Council

My Cosmic Autumn Rebellion – The Flaming Lips

Spring – Vivaldi from The Four Seasons Concertos

Winterlong – The Pixies – Neil Young song

White Winter Hymnal – The Fleet Foxes

Shelter From The Storm – Bob Dylan

Black Hole Sun – Soundgarden

The Wind Cries Mary – Jimi Hendrix

The Ocean – Led Zep

The Seasons Cycle - XTC

Time Travel With Blaze and his Red Haired Girlfriend.

Time Travel With Blaze and his Red Haired Girlfriend.

Rock and Roll Is In Its Dotage. There I Have Said It.

Rock and Roll Is In Its Dotage. There I Have Said It.