I Did Not Lose My Mum
My mother passed away on Tuesday. Earlier this year over a cup of tea and with sport on the TV interrupting us, Mum and I compared and critiqued the different euphemisms for death. We agreed that saying died was in the immediacy and near aftermath of the moment too harsh and that a phrase like “losing your mother” sounded like bloody carelessness and was just silly. We did agree that passed away was the goldilocks term - not too heavy, not too light. So passed away it is.
She had had a good run and wanted her life to end. However, people can be tender around discussions of death let alone the actual event and tender people can react badly when confronted with the contradictory or unusual. And Mum was different in her views. She wanted no memorial service, no money wasted. She decided to give her body to QUT Medicine so there will be no funeral. The cancer had spread quickly inside her and once she hit the hospital and then the palliative care unit, we both knew she was not coming out. This worried Mum not a bit. Mum hated the idea of being dependent on people, had a very low opinion of life in a nursing home and could see those days were now upon her. We could and did disagree on many things but I understood and agreed with her 100% on these matters.
A friend said to me that the thing with cancer is that it hurts. Once the cancer spread to Mum’s spine that was obvious and it took a few days for the hospital to get the pain relief right to allow Mum to lie comfortably and rest for long periods of time. I can tell you that was not pleasant viewing but I don’t fault the level of care. They have rules, laws and of course traditions to follow. The quality of care that Mum received at Redcliffe Hospital and Palliative Care Unit could not be bettered.
COVID showed and this recent experience hammered home to me just how wrong minded as a society we have become. Sports people, social media influencers, politicians and celebrities earn millions and are worshipped and discussed endlessly while we pay the people who help people, day in and day out, who help keep the untangling thread of society together just a fraction of that money and attention. A small pay rise to health care workers or teachers is reported as an additional cost to the budget or to Australia when really it is an investment in this country. And we all seem to want the government to supply all these services but we are too greedy to properly fund them. It now seems to be our right to always have our taxes lowered and never increased.
Mum and I agreed on this as well but Mum could never see the cause and effect of her always, and I do mean always, voting for the political party that most strongly supports this unbridled capitalism was, even if only in a small way, continuing the problem. And of course, according to Mum unions were never to be trusted. You can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl.
It is true we will not see the likes of my mother again. Those who were born just before or during the depression, who grew up in rural poverty were from a different world. The values that Mum lived by are for better AND worse gone or quickly disappearing. She could be stubborn and judgemental but family was everything to Mum and like many people of that era her stated prejudices did not get in the way of her actions of kindness and generosity.
In the end the world became a difficult place for my Mum and we agreed there is little consideration for the elderly in it. Technology confuses and defeats them. The move from a society more or less linked by common goals and ideals to a more individualistic one baffles and bemuses many of our aged citizens. The great challenges of our time including climate change appear small or at least remote to someone who lost siblings in war or had to leave school to work at thirteen.
Anyone who knew my Mum would know that she was always happiest when things were done her way and I believe that towards the end as her body and mind started to fail her she became depressed when she could no longer control her world in the way she wished. Again, this is common in the elderly, having to give up activities like driving or favourite past times is often deeply distressing. My Dad never got over having to hand in his driver’s license. Of course, the right attitude goes a long way at all stages of life but the habits of a lifetime driven by strong views are not easily changed and for the elderly all these little things become indignities that can be hard to bear. “It will be interesting,” Mum often said to me, “How well your generation will go with becoming old and dependent.” She was not being mean. She just meant that until you experience it you can’t completely understand.
My Mum also opined that she loathed solar panels because of their appearance. My appeal to her that they look better than a dirty great big coal mine carried no weight. Also, she thought the Broncos were never the same without supercoach Bennett and Lockie, that female footballers will suffer breast problems later in life from the contact in the game, that there were too many blonde ponytails, especially on TV. She had, it must be said, no shortage of opinions.
We agreed that both Trump and Putin are very poor individuals but disagreed that Bjelke Peterson was wonderful for Queensland. I let that one go because in the end arguing with a ninety-year-old is not fun or particularly caring.
You look at your Mum much differently when you are not far off retirement yourself. I think I am more my mother’s son, more like her in temperament and personality than Dad and as well, I am told, in looks. And I realise that the things I will miss most about Mum will be the talks, the trips to the local pub for a counter lunch and the pokies, our daily Wordle successes or failures, the Scrabble games and the one constant from her throughout my entire life - her 100% support to me in everything that I ever did.
